


5 Conversations The Mechanisms Had While Dr Pilchard Was On Board (And One Shortly After He Wasn't)

by centreoftheselights



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: 5 Things, 5+1 Things, Character Death, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Medical Experimentation, Snark, The Ignominious Demise of Dr Pilchard, mentions of cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 01:25:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1409884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centreoftheselights/pseuds/centreoftheselights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which The Mechanisms are really very bad at being held captive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Conversations The Mechanisms Had While Dr Pilchard Was On Board (And One Shortly After He Wasn't)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [The Ignominious Demise of Dr Pilchard](http://themechanisms.bandcamp.com/track/the-ignominious-demise-of-dr-pilchard).
> 
> Brought to you by my continued attempts to avoid productivity. Also, apparently I write Mechs fic just before each gig now? Eh, there are worse traditions.

After Pilchard explained his grand plan, there was silence for a few seconds.

Then someone sniggered.

“Was something I said funny?” Pilchard demanded.

Gunpowder Tim shook his head. “Sorry, it’s just – did he say _octokittens_?”

“Right, you –” Jonny strained against his bonds for a moment, then craned his head around to appeal to Dr. Pilchard. “Could you shoot him for me?”

Pilchard, quite sensibly, ignored him.

“Now be fair,” Ashes interjected. “Octokittens can be quite dangerous when they –”

They broke off, spluttering with laughter.

“There were dozens of the damn things!” Jonny complained. “They swarmed me! One of you lot must have seen –”

The Toy Soldier nodded. “I was there. There were some number – at least three –”

“More than three!” Jonny complained, over the echoing laughter that filled the brig. “At least I fucking _died_ before getting dragged down here. Can any of the rest of you say that?”

No-one answered.

“Unexpected information was presented,” Ivy chimed in. “Unconsciousness would have hindered data collection.”

“Exactly.” Marius nodded. “Being captured is far more interesting if you’re alive to see it.”

 

Dr. Pilchard had stopped in front of Brian, peering curiously at the joint of his shoulder. He lifted the arm as far as it would go in the restraints, and made an interested humming sound.

“Please stop touching me,” Brian said quietly.

“No, I don’t think I will.” Pilchard smiled widely. “When we reach my laboratory, I intend to do a great deal more than touch.”

“Ooh, are you going to cut us open?” Raphaella asked. “It’s been ages since I was last vivisected.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Tim grumbled.

“That was an _autopsy_. You were dead when I started!”

“Why were you performing an autopsy when we all saw Jonny shoot him?” Nastya asked.

“What procedures do you have in mind for us?” Raphaella continued. “I haven’t made much headway with strictly surgical exploration, but I hold out hope for some of the biochemical –”

“I have my methods,” Pilchard assured her. “You’ll see soon enough.”

Raphaella frowned. “Come on. Don’t you want to –”

“ _No_.”

“Good,” Tim muttered. “Don’t give her any ideas.”

 

The brig was getting warm, ten living bodies – well, nine and the Toy Soldier – shut into a fairly small space.

Marius had started kicking the wall.

“The Marquis de Alltheknives was more fun than this,” Tim observed.

Ashes shrugged. “Quicker, at any rate. And that whole duel thing...”

“Quite the gentleman, if I recall,” The Toy Soldier added. “A nice spot of tea before we –

“Is it much further to your laboratory?” Raphaella asked. “You could borrow my equipment if you wanted to start now –”

“Perhaps I should check that the ship’s still on course...” Brian offered.

“The course remains unchanged to within 12.9 arcseconds –” Ivy interrupted.

“Aurora can fly in a straight line without anyone needing to check on her –” Nastya began.

“Would all of you be _quiet_!”

Pilchard’s shout silenced everyone momentarily.                                

Then Tim began: “Do you remember that one sword he had, with the –”

Pilchard drew his gun and fired at the ceiling.

Nine unimpressed faces stared blankly back at him.

“Won’t shut ‘em up for long,” Jonny told him with a smug smile. “Nothing does, short of actually shooting them. And even that doesn’t stick for nearly long enou-”

Another gunshot echoed around the room, and Jonny’s blood splattered against the wall.

“Anyone else have something to say?”

Ashes glanced over at Jonny’s corpse, a neat bullet wound in the centre of its forehead.

“Nice aim.”

 

“How did you manage to get on board without any of us knowing, anyway?” Raphaella asked idly.

“Yeah.” Jonny glanced at Nastya. “I thought Aurora was supposed to keep an eye on that kind of thing.”

Nastya glared at him. “I’ll have to look into it once we’ve gotten rid of him.”

Dr. Pilchard laughed. “I wouldn’t be worrying about that.”

“Can’t the damn ship do something about getting us out of here?” Jonny demanded. “Since it got us into this mess in the first place.”

“And what exactly do you expect her to do? She isn’t magic, Jonny,” Nastya snapped. “And clearly, he did his research.”

“Yes, yes, impressive and all that.”

“I’m not impressed,” Ashes said. “If he was really that smart, then he never would have come on board.”

Pilchard flinched a little.

“Shut _up_.”

 

When the screams began to echo down the corridor, Jonny grinned.

“Nice one, Brian.”

Brian sighed heavily, and didn’t respond.

 

It didn’t take long for the screams to fade into gurgles and then, quite suddenly, to stop completely.

“So... how are we getting out of here?”

Marius’s question was met with a thoughtful silence.

“I could gnaw someone’s arm off,” Jonny suggested.

“Not again.” Tim and Ashes said at the same moment.

“A couple more hours and it’ll probably seem like a good idea,” Nastya observed. “We – oh.”

The lights had turned themselves off, casting the room into darkness. Assorted cursing ensued.

“It’s not a malfunction,” Nastya called over everyone. “Someone – something – must have hit one of the master switches.”

“So is he still -?” Raphaella began to ask.

“The Doc’s lab.” Jonny groaned. “All kinds of controls in there.”

“Great.” Ashes said.

Then the lights came back on.

The Toy Soldier was stood by the switch, unbound.

“Thought I’d lend a hand, since we were in a bit of a pickle.”

“How the fuck did you get out of the restraints?” Jonny demanded.

“What restraints?” It asked.

“You were kneeling, with your hands behind you...” Ashes tried to explain.

“You chaps seemed to be having a jolly good time down there on the floor –”

The rest of the explanation was cut off by Jonny cursing.

“Just get us out of here, would you?” Nastya demanded.

She glanced at the first mate, who was vowing painful death to them all.

“And let’s leave Jonny until last.”


End file.
